Time Is Running Out...

She cracked the bathroom door open, steam wafting out. You could see a hint of someone behind the shower glass.

Was it him?

She moved, not thinking. Not caring.

She was in the bathroom in a heartbeat, his name on her lips.

There he was, sitting naked on the floor of the shower, his head bowed between his knees. Scalding hot water pounded onto his back and left red marks.

She bit down her yelp as she reached into the shower and lowered the temperature of the water.

He didn’t move.

Didn’t even look at her.

He made no indication that he knew she stood there, but his breathing deepened. Became easier.

And she couldn’t explain why she did it, but she grabbed a bottle of shampoo and the block of lavender soap from the nook in the tiles, then knelt before him.

"I'm going to clean you off," she said quietly.

A slight but terribly clear nod was his only response. Like words were still too hard.

So she poured the shampoo into her hands, and then laced her fingers into his hair. The thick strands were heavy, and she gently scrubbed, tipping his head back to rinse it. His eyes lifted at last. Met hers, as his head leaned back into the stream of water.

He watched her with a raw openness.

More intimate than any touch of his lips on her neck. Like he indeed saw everything she was and had been and might become.

Every movement he made was careful as his mind shut down and he pulled himself farther and farther away from the moment.

The world descended into cool calculations, its colors dimmed.

There was anger, occasionally. Sharp, hot anger that sliced him.

But most of the time it was silence. Days passed swiftly and dripped by. The silence raged and echoed around him. Still, he felt nothing.

A physical body is a universe in itself. Each of us is made up of roughly a hundred trillion cells. In each of those cells is roughly the same number again of atoms. Our brains alone have a hundred billion brain cells. Yet most of the time we do not feel the near - infinite nature of our physical selves. We simplify by thinking about ourselves in terms of our larger pieces. Arms, legs, feet, hands, torso, head. Flesh, bones.

From the outside a person sees your physical form, sees that you are a unified mass of atoms and cells. Yet inside you feel like a Big Bang has happened. You feel lost, disintegrated, spread across the universe amid infinite dark space.

Life is hard. It is beautiful and wonderful but also, hard. Minds move. Personalities shift. Your mind is a galaxy. More dark than light. But the light makes it worthwhile.

I’m walking around with my head on fire and no one can see the flames. 

I’d stopped cataloging color and feeling and texture, stopped noticing it.

I wish my heart was made into immortal marble instead of shredded bits of blackness. The vastness of my now unending existence yawned open before me.

I let it swallow me whole.

Time is space. You are moving through that galaxy. Wait for the stars.

You will one day experience joy that matches this pain. There are books you haven’t read yet that will enrich you. You will dance and laugh and go for runs by the river and have late night conversations and smile until it hurts. Life is here. Life is also waiting for you. The world isn’t going anywhere. Hang on in there if you can.

There is something breathtakingly beautiful in the moments of smaller magic that occur when you strip down bare and are honest with yourself about how you currently feel.

There are deeper meanings behind the surface. The energy around you can be harnessed to elevate your work. You are part of something much larger than can be explained - a world of immense possibilities.

The world is a mirror. And we get from life not what we want, but that which we are.

Whatever you focus on, you will experience.

There is a crucial element of choice - of personal responsibility - that we must understand comes from our ability to think.

Mind is the totality of mental life. It includes the subconscious, the intuitive, the symbolic… all that we use to apprehend the world.

We have the option of taking personal responsibility for the outcomes of our life.

Fear and pain should be treated as signals not to close your eyes but to open them wider.

You are responsible for your own existence and happiness. You choose to be conscious and to be guided by the clearest understanding of which you are capable. You do not indulge in the fantasy that someone else can spare the necessity of thought or make decisions for you because you are solely responsible for your own destiny.

Listen to the body, learn to listen to the emotions one has and to think for oneself. Seek and crave independence.

Accept the uncontrollable.

To find your best self you must lose your weak self.

That only happens through relentless improvement, continuous reflection, and ongoing self-excavation.

I am going to live it more confidently than I ever have before. I am going to take action in spite of setbacks and fear. I enter rooms knowing that I can take care of myself and I am responsible for my outcomes in life. That means I do not place negativity, pessimism, or negative states on anyone else. I choose to take ACTION on the things I want to accomplish in life. 

I don't hope for a way - I find a way. NEVER split the difference. 

The outcomes I have in life come from what I tolerate. 

The power of decision 

If you don't set a baseline standard for what you 'll accept in your life, you'll find it's easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that's far below what you deserve. You need to set and live by your standards no matter what happens in your life. "Nothing can resist the human will that will stake even its existence on its stated purpose." 

What's important is to decide you will find a way. No matter what. 

1. Decide what you want

2. Take action

3. Notice what's working or not

4. Change your approach until you achieve what you want 

Making a decision means committing to achieving a result, and then cutting yourself off from any other possibility. 

This kind of clarity gives you power.