Reality Bites Me

OUR BEHAVIORS AND EMOTIONS STEM FROM UNMET NEEDS

Most of our patterns are completely unconscious.

Because they’re unconscious, we develop them without really recognizing them. Where did they come from? Why are they still in our lives?

Every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need. Our behaviors and emotions stem from unmet needs. When we criticize others, we are not reacting to the situation, we are revealing an underlying need that is not being met in some way.

When needs are unmet, they show up as negative emotions and behaviors.

MASLOW’S HIERARCHY OF NEEDS

Lower-level needs must be satisfied before higher-level needs can become motivators. Below are the needs from most basic to highest:

PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS

These include universal needs such as water, food, shelter, clothing.

SAFETY NEEDS

Protection from physical and emotional harm; stability, security, order. Things such as your personal safety, your financial security, your health, and well-being.

LOVE AND BELONGING NEEDS

Relationships and affection, romantic attachments.

ESTEEM NEEDS

The need for respect for yourself and respect from others, achievement, status, recognition, and feeling of accomplishment.

SELF-ACTUALIZATION

The need to realize one's full potential in order to achieve personal growth and fulfillment. This could be creative activities, personal growth, or having a business that is solving a problem that is bigger than yourself.

RECOGNIZING PATTERNS IN OURSELVES

In early childhood, unmet emotional and physical needs lead to behavior patterns aimed at gaining attention. People’s subconscious actions stem from past attempts to gain attention and feel loved.

HOW DO YOU MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE PROVIDING EMOTIONAL SECURITY TO YOURSELF AND THOSE AROUND YOU?

People's nervous systems learn from each other. If a child learns that tantrums or crying gain attention, they will continue these behaviors into adulthood to meet their needs.

Let’s say a child throws a temper tantrum. The first thing you want to ask yourself is: What is their unmet need?

Is it safety, tiredness, or are they hungry? What is the unmet need at this moment?

If a child lacks love and encouragement from a parent, they develop a need for esteem and recognition. This unmet need can lead to low self-esteem in adulthood. As adults, they may criticize others to mask their own feelings of inadequacy. They just want to be loved.

Another example is reacting with anger or criticism towards someone, like your partner, when the real issue is an unmet need within yourself. You’re expressing frustration through negative emotions instead of communicating your needs, and this signals to yourself that you’re not meeting your own needs. You are the little baby that’s crying out with your unmet need to be loved, to be seen, to be held, to be cared for, and your need isn’t being met.

WHAT IS MY UNMET NEED?

These are all patterns that we develop that become adult behaviors. You have to learn how to start recognizing these emotions within yourself.

Take a moment.

Step back.

Ask yourself: What is my unmet need?

When you feel as if you’re alone in life, stop.

• Think to yourself for a moment: What is my unmet need?

When you see somebody and judge them, stop.

• Think to yourself for a moment: What is my unmet need?

When your friend is telling you about their amazing life and you begin to feel jealous, stop.

• Think to yourself for a moment: What is my unmet need?

If you’re really seeking love and affection from a partner but you’re expressing it through negative emotion, stop.

• Think to yourself for a moment: What is my unmet need?

You can 100% communicate your needs because you are deserving of finding someone who wants to meet your needs. But what you’re also really looking for is the love and acceptance from yourself.

Start really understanding that the majority of people will never be able to give you the need that you’re wanting.

Needs come from you before they come from anybody in the outside world.

BREAK FREE FROM YOUR VICTIM MENTALITY

You want to break free from any victim mindset that you might have. If you don't, you won’t live up to your full potential. You have to develop the mindset that you are the one in control and you are the one that can self-soothe your own unmet needs.

Don’t ask yourself, “Why does this always happen to me?”

Don’t ruminate over negative things going on in your life.

Stop being your worst critic and victimizing yourself as never being capable because by doing so, you’re in an abusive relationship with yourself.

Don’t get angry or resentful over the success of others. You aren’t thinking in a frame of abundance. Other people can win, and you can win too.

Don’t blame those around you. It takes away your ability to control your own outcomes.

Don’t think the worst of every situation or the worst of people. This will cause you to create learned helplessness and doesn’t help you to create the life that YOU want.

Pull yourself out of the victim mindset and question the validity of your thoughts.

Poke holes in your thoughts. Think deeper. Question your negative beliefs. Begin to develop a sense of taking responsibility for the outcomes of your life, regardless of what happened in your life. It’s not your fault things happened to you, but it is your responsibility to understand the cards that you’ve been dealt and choose your future outcomes.

Get around people that challenge your thoughts and want more from you and your life. Have them motivate you to become stronger and fortify your own mindset.

Learn breathwork and begin to understand how your body affects your reprogramming and the story you tell yourself about who you are. Your chemicals and hormones can be controlled. With knowledge comes personal power.

If you want to improve your life, these are things you will have to learn and work through in order to get to the next level of mastery and personal fulfillment.