Oh baby when you talk like that

How do people perceive you?

Strength

How much do you shape your social world? Do you ask or do you command? Do you veto others' suggestions? When do you feel most powerful -are there particular activities that bring out your strength? Who sees you in those moments? And is that a feeling you could some how tap into at other times to feel more confident?

Warmth

Similarly, how connected do you feel to others? How much time do you spend with them? How often do you laugh?

When do you feel most happy in your own skin and connected? Are there particular activities that bring out your warmth? Whom do you share those with? And could you bring some of that attitude into other settings to share with people?

You may already be aware on a deeper level of patterns in your relationships that suggest imbalances in strength or warmth. If you have had a string of bad relationships that have ended the same way, you may want to look closely at the common dynamics. Were respect and liking present in more or less equal measures?

The same can be true with bosses or coworkers. If you feel like you never get the attention you deserve at work, for instance, it may be because you expect your competent performance to speak for itself, when you may need to make a greater effort to make your presence known. Depending on the circumstance, these patterns can shape our character profoundly.

What kind of signals are you giving off?

Most of us send all kinds of signals we are not aware of, mostly rooted in emotions we may not even consciously realize we are feeling.

After decades of this, our muscles may have forgotten how to make fluid, confident gestures, and many of us say "aah" between words. Almost all of us could develop better habits so our nonverbal and verbal signals paint a picture of us as confident and personable.

To begin, let us define what strength (confidence) and warmth (understanding) are and why they are so pivotal to all interpersonal communication and relationships. Understanding these two concepts help us to project a version of ourselves that evokes respect and love.

Strength - your strength is firmly grounded in your confidence.

Your strength is firmly grounded in your confidence. Do you believe you will be able to get the job done? Are you tough enough to hold your own with other strong-willed people whose interests are not the same as yours?

This is an internal test of your mental fortitude, and it is not a matter of competence. It is a matter of will.

Summoning that strength often takes effort. Sometimes we are tired, nervous, sometimes we are just not feeling it when time comes. While we cannot rewire our natural responses completely, we can still create change when we need it through brute force of will.

Just focus on why the task is important and how it connects to your values and your sense of who you want to be in the world.

Then resolve to do it, no matter how it feels. Finally, make yourself do what needs to be done, even if that is not at all what comes naturally to you in the situation.

For most of us, if we force ourselves to do something enough, we will adapt to it somewhat and it will become less challenging and more natural. But even if it never gets any easier, it can still be done. And that then boosts our sense of our own strength, which is its own reward.

We project strength through the nonverbal cues: upright posture, controlled gestures, a level brow, a focused gaze, a low vocal pitch, minimal filler, and no uptalk.

Warmth - the simple truth is that if you want to be admired, you have to be liked. And if you want to be liked, you have to like people.

It is a basic reciprocity effect. If you like other people, they are inclined to like you -and vice versa.

Granted, there are plenty of excuses not to Iike people. But you can find fault with anyone.

If your goal is to be admired by others, you have to find reasons to like them - especially if you want to persuade them to see things your way later.

When you sense the need to make a deeper connection with people there are a couple of questions worth asking yourself. Why do I Iike these people - or if I don't, how might I come to like them?

What are our shared concerns and interests? How can I make it clear that we want the same things or are on the same team?

Look for ways that mirroring might send nonverbal cues that you feel the same way as the person you are trying to reach. What feelings can you validate that will demonstrate that you "get it'- that you see the world similarly?

This all done by listening and a genuine interest in finding common ground.

To effectively project warmth to people, you have to feel warmth for people.

It is possible to physically trigger feelings of happiness, running your warmth circuits in reverse with power poses and strength. You can move the muscles around your mouth and eyes into the position of a genuine smile and hold that position until it starts to make you feel happy.

It is far better, though, to use the inside-out approach and find a reason to be happy where you are.

In challenging situations, this may even require laughing at life. That is often good enough to put a genuine smile on your face. But if you can focus on the people you are with, and why you are happy to be there, the rest generally falls into place.

How do you project strength (confidence) and warmth (understanding) when you’re not feeling that great?

Making all of this happen when it really counts is not easy.

For most us, the quality of our communications tends to follow a bell curve distribution. (Sometimes they are exceptionally good, sometimes they are pretty bad, and most of the time they fall somewhere in between.) Much of the frustration stems from the feeling that there is lack of consistency.

This is one of the principal goals of coaching, to communicate not only compellingly, but consistently.

In sales for example, where success is directly tied to your personal communication, even just a few missteps avoided can pay huge dividends.

The best way to make sure you are reliably at your best is to develop a warm-up routine that puts you in the right physical state and frame of mind to project the right energy for the occasion. This need only take a minute, or even a few seconds, but this time makes everything that happens next go better.

Recall the advantages to making yourself big (holding your shoulders back and taking a superman stance) for just a minute or two, increasing your testosterone and decreasing your cortisol, so you are more confident and less anxious. Then while you are making yourself big, you want to get your attitude straight. Recall what it feels like when you are happy and in command.

Some people also like to limber up with a few favorite stretches. Find something you like and stick with it- the familiarity helps you feel comfortable and grounded so you are able to project a calm presence that stimulates warm feelings.

How do you dress for the occasion to project strength and warmth?

Let me give you an example:

Let’s say a woman is applying to jobs and she decides to apply for a bank position and a marketing position at different locations.

For her bank meeting, she presented herself very conservatively: dark suit, hair up, plenty of poise in her demeanor and grace in her movements.

Not surprisingly, this fit their culture and expectations, and her meeting went well.

Later that week she went to the media company, and she showed up dressed and carrying herself the same way. It took her a few minutes to realize something was not right. Initially she thought it was great how friendly everyone was to her. But it slowly dawned on her that they were also very skeptical of her steely demeanor.

She found herself tap-dancing quickly to convince the people at the media company that she was a good fit with their culture, which placed a premium on openness, creative expression, and collaboration.

Looking at our friend's experience through the lens of strength and warmth, we see a few different dynamics in play. While both companies place a premium on strong market performance, the bank's culture is colder and the media company's culture is warmer. Our friend showed up at both places looking and acting all business, which projected strength.

At the bank, that helped earn their respect, and it also helped show that she shared their sensibilities.

At the media company, her appearance and demeanor suggested that she was out of sync with their culture. Her hosts likely saw her as strong but not warm. They may also have seen her as neither warm nor strong.

A modern capitalist economy is all about getting things done - all strength. On the other hand, an organization where people are aligned around their collective mission is a team that shares a bond of warmth. And even when the shared interest is not so clear, getting things done in organizations means dealing with people effectively, which usually requires warmth.

There are some organizations that see themselves as all business, with no time for warmth. But many organizations see some form of warmth as key to their effectiveness, whether it is good client service, appealing marketing and branding, or attracting top talent by keeping employees happy.

Strength judgments at work are based on more than personal presence and job performance. The workplace is full of status symbols that confer strength. The most obvious of these is someone's place in the organizational hierarchy, but status signals like access to decision makers, compensation, and even distance from the proverbial corner office also count.

These three strength elements -presence, performance, and position- exist in a balance at work.

However, if you are achieving outstanding results at work, you may buy yourself latitude in the way you present yourself. This recalls the old saying that the difference between a crazy person and an eccentric is that an eccentric has lots of money; success creates a buffer of respect.

Remember, when you encounter new people, you are on a two way street - judgement is being passed on to you too. If you decode their signals quickly (which do they value more - strength or warmth), you can figure out how to respect the individual by aligning with their preferences.