Fail Forward

Numb.

Have you ever felt numb?

My best product is gone. My second best product will be gone in one month.

41.76% increase in Bask expenses (my electronic healthcare software) from the month of January to February.

They added a 1% service fee to every stripe fee. My merchant fees are 4.6% of my total revenue when they should only be at most 3.3%.

Bask pharmacy fees went from 30.37%  of total income in month of January  to 55.14% of total income in the month of February 

I had a 23.38% drop in sales from January to February.

But here’s the real sucker punch…

I was stupid. So stupid. I allowed someone to convince me to pay them over $60,000 because I wanted them to approve of me. I allowed a man to convince me to pay him money because I didn’t think I was good enough on my own.

And then he went and managed to put me another $65,000 in the hole by fucking with bask charges and so Bask is withholding $65,000 from me that barely covers the expenses they are charging me every single day.

I have every credit card maxed out at the moment.

$125,000 gone. In an instant.

My accountant and me spent 2 hours going line by line through my P&L to see all the ways to cut expenses. Quickbooks offers a loan to businesses at 9.99% - 34% apr which is better than most credit cards and so I’m going to apply.

I write this to you my future Sof.

I write this to the little girl inside - my beautiful little Sof.

I write it so you remember this feeling.

You will never allow yourself to believe you are unworthy.

This entire situation has caused your entire relationship to be exposed to bask and you’re being flooded with shame.

You feel wrong.

You feel like a burden.

You feel embarrassed.

You feel stupid.

You feel naive.

These are action signals telling you to never make this mistake again.

Life is loss. Loss is part of life.

You’re in March already and you have about half of the year left to rebuild yourself back from the ground up.

Shame is heavy.

It chokes you and it puts a vise like grip on your heart because you feel wrong for existing.

This is a feeling. It will go away.

You have to pull yourself out of your own mind.

Realize that you aren’t that special. This isn’t the end of the world. You will get through this. These things do pass with time.

The next step is learning how to heal.

Every day you have to pull yourself out of this because there is an entire business to run. There are people depending on you. There are decisions to be made that require mental clarity.

Focus only on one day at a time. Don’t worry about pleasing anyone else right now.

You need to pull yourself out of shame because you cannot afford to stay stuck in this headspace.

One day at a time means get up at 6 am every day and work.

Brush your teeth. Drink your coffee. Go workout and listen to someone reprogramming your mind for success.

Shower.

Organize everyones calendars and structure the day.

Drink another coffee.

Take your course over negotiations and communications because you commit to self mastery and you will spend every waking moment on personal growth instead of shame spiraling.

Drink another coffee.

Go to park. Walk and listen to books and podcasts over business, negotiations, communications, personal development, leadership, and finances.

Take the courses over financials so you learn quickbooks and then spend time in your other course over neurolinguistics.

Begin work.

Meetings and decisions for the next 10 hours.

End your day with the last affiliate call at 1am and wrap up business around 3am.

Sleep.

Get up at 6am and repeat over again.

Don’t worry about not being able to sleep. Don’t worry about making people happy right now. Don’t worry about perfection. Don’t worry about your physical appearance.

Pull yourself out of debt again.

Be committed to repeat this routine for the next 3-6 months until you are back to baseline.

This is a game of time.

In 3 months it will hurt less.

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. Keep going.

It’s you versus you Sof.

The way you stop shame is by pulling yourself out of YOUR OWN HEAD and focusing on helping those around you become better leaders in the business.

Don’t do social media. Don’t do text messaging. Remove all stimulus that influence your behavior and emotions and just. keep. going.

Life moves in waves—highs that lift us, lows that humble us.

It’s in the contrast that we find meaning—joy made sweeter by sorrow, strength born from struggle.

This dance between light and shadow is what makes the human experience so achingly beautiful.