Dear Diary,
I’ve been thinking about how hard it is for me to just be in a conversation.
Not lead it. Not fix it. Not guide it toward some kind of outcome.
Just… exist in it.
Small talk feels heavy. Casual interactions feel like work.
And I catch myself constantly performing—making sure the other person feels at ease, even when I’m anything but.
I think I’ve spent so much time in “boss mode,” running things, managing outcomes, living behind a screen—that I’ve forgotten how to simply be human in front of someone.
Lately, I’ve realized I only feel fully free when no one can see me.
No pressure to look a certain way, sound a certain way, be anything other than myself.
Every time I enter a conversation, I instinctively shift into a kind of emotional management mode, constantly scanning for discomfort, reading micro-expressions, making sure the energy feels safe for them.
So much, in fact, that I’ve made myself responsible for how others feel around me.
I focus so much on keeping the other person comfortable, I rarely ask:
Do I even want to be here?
Do I feel seen in this exchange?
Is this connection real—or is it just another performance?
It’s exhausting.
I carry the invisible weight of their experience on my shoulders. If they’re having a bad time, it’s somehow my fault.
And because of that, I often avoid social settings altogether.
Ironically, the only time I feel truly free now is when no one can see me.
When I don’t have to curate my body, my face, my voice.
She is not always beautiful. She is sometimes swollen with self-doubt, red-eyed with fatigue, messy, raw, real.
And yet… maybe that’s the version of me I need to let others see.
Who knows.
xo,
Sofia