Alchemy of Attraction

Is There Something Inherent in Commitment That Deadens Desire?

When you love someone, how does it feel? And when you desire someone, how is it different?

Sexuality and emotional intimacy are two separate languages. The very dynamics that are a source of conflict in a relationship - power, control, dependency, and vulnerability - often become erotic when experienced through the body.

We all need security. But we also have a need for novelty and change. We’re walking contradictions, seeking safety and predictability on one hand and thriving on adventure on the other.

It’s funny that we always think it has to be black or white instead of a range. All organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium.

What Do You Want?

“I want to be appreciated as a woman. And I want to appreciate him as a man. It could be a gaze, a touch, a word. I want to be looked at without all the baggage.”

Let’s say you meet someone and you’re filled with a sense of possibility, of hope, of being lifted out of the mundane and into a world of emotion and enthrallment. Love grabs you, and you feel powerful. You’re also scared. The more you become attached, the more you have to lose.

So you set out to make love more secure. You seek to fix it, to make it dependable. You happily give up a little bit of freedom in exchange for a little bit of stability.

Yet eroticism thrives on the unpredictable. Desire butts heads with habit and repetition. Passion in a relationship is commensurate with the amount of uncertainty you can tolerate.

In truth, we never know our partner as well as we think we do. Our need for constancy limits how much we are willing to know the person who’s next to us. We are invested in having him or her conform to an image that is often a creation of our own imagination, based on our own set of needs.

When we resist the urge to control, when we keep ourselves open, we preserve the possibility of discovery.

Red Flags

If there is a red flag in your relationship, there’s this belief that you should “opt out” because we perceive red flags to be problems. And generally, problems are bad, right?

But the greatest indicator of successful relationships is the ability to navigate through problems. Red flags stress test our problem-solving ability.

You see, most people are not taught to negotiate, which is a real shame. Negotiation is not manipulation. It is not gaslighting. It is not screaming your head off at the other person. It is not with the intent to destroy the other person in verbal warfare. It involves understanding each other's wants and needs through fiery discussions that may lead to greater emotional awareness and strength. Emotional turbulence leads to bonding between people. It shows you that the person you are with is willing to change, compromise, or try to improve themselves for the sake of the relationship.

How Do You Negotiate in a Fiery Debate?

It starts when partners accept responsibility for each other and work together towards changes. It actually involves a lot of skills you might find in a therapist— sharp questions, active listening, steady coaching.

Start by stating what you want, then strategize together to find a mutually beneficial path forward. People fool themselves into saying, “I’m sacrificing myself here in this moment for them.” It is grandiose of you to think that you won’t end up resenting your partner for your own FAILURE to openly let them know what it is YOU need.

It has to be clear, open, and discussed, especially when pretending everything is fine until it leads to a blow-up. The biggest challenge is often not knowing what you want. You need to understand your own desires and then share them, which requires vulnerability.

But at least if you both choose to lay it all open on the line together, you can have two brains working together over the cognitive complexity of a relationship.

What Happens If We Feel as If Our Partner Is Depriving Us of What We Want?

Example: sex.

The likelihood that you and your partner are going to have the same level of sexual desire is low. So there is going to be friction there. So what do you do?

Well, you lay it all out.

If you want to have sex 30 times a week and your partner only wants to have sex 5 times a week, you come to a consensus and you also get clear on when and HOW that can even take place with your schedules AND what exactly sex means to each other.

It is hilarious to me that people will do and desire things in their daily life that they are too embarrassed to TALK about. If you are having sex and yet you can’t even talk about the SEX… don’t you think that’s a problem? You’ll engage in the act but you won’t engage in the negotiation—let alone what you want.

The problem is that shame regulates sexual behavior, so we are embarrassed about our desires.

So what can you do about it? What you might be able to do is determine how to play out your sexual life in the confines of your relationship in a manner in which neither of you find shameful.

How To Please Daddy

It seems so simple to think, “What would my partner want me to do for them in bed to please them?” But what is not so easy is the actual doing itself. Can you wear the tiny little thing for your partner, or are you too ashamed of your own body to wear it?

Can you call your partner names? Can you be daring?

More importantly, are they going to be smart enough to know that if you do wear it, they should let you know how much they like it so that you do it again? Or are they going to make a statement that makes you shrivel up inside and never want to even explore trying to please them again?

Part 2 coming soon…..